I blew out puffs of smoke and closed my eyes to savor the sweetness of the nicotine running through me. Caleb’s eyes stayed glued on me, watching intensely, waiting for me to say something when all I wanted to do was smoke.
“Come on, bro. Say something. What did she just tell you?”
That was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Hell, we could talk about the weather or the beach trip Caleb couldn’t shut up about. I’d listen and throw in random “oohs” and “ahs” while I finished this cigarette.
“Lo, tell me what’s up?”
“Nothing important, man.”
“That’s not how it looked to me. She left with eyes so red she looked like she’d been hit. And when I asked her, she told me to ask you.”
“She came here to break up with me and left crying when I only said, ‘Okay.’” There it was. Maybe now he’d leave me alone. But instead, Caleb pulled up the lounge chair next to mine.
“Damn it. I knew something was wrong. From the way she left and the way you’re sulking here and smoking.”
Sulking. He thought I was sulking over Amanda. I’d started smoking out here before she even waltzed in to tell me how much of a jerk I was.
“It’s not because of her.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Well, I had nothing to prove to him. He could believe whatever he wanted, and I could stay here and watch the weather. The way it matches my mood is the only reason I’m smoking a cigarette on the patio. The sun was hiding under dark clouds, and winds were rushing in, carrying that charged scent of rain. A flash of lightning cut through the sky, followed by low, rumbling thunder; it felt right—the perfect mood to smoke and watch the storm build.
“Just you wait and see—she’s going to tell everyone you’ve got a small dick,” Caleb muttered, trying and failing to hold back a laugh. His lips twitched, and his shoulders trembled like he was one wrong word away from bursting out laughing.
I almost cracked a smile. Almost.
Caleb wasn’t entirely wrong. Amanda was one of the popular mean girls on campus. I had watched how she tormented other people, turning their lives into a bad sitcom.
But I wouldn’t even blame her this time. I was a jerk or wasn’t cut out for relationships. After the mess with Amanda, I was done with that and college parties.
It would just be me and my studies, although I doubted I could stay away from parties and women for that long.
“People can think whatever they want to think.” If I cared about what people thought of me, I wouldn’t be drowning in law textbooks, burning the candle at both ends until my sanity blurred into the pages.
“Still, we can’t let your reputation tank. We should go to Jaden’s party and get a girl who will unhex whatever curse Amanda’s about to put on you. Plus, It’s been ages since we hit one of those.”
“Nah, bro. I’ll pass.”
Even though all I wanted was to smoke and maybe numb myself at a party, I couldn’t accept it. Not right now.
“That’s what you’ve been saying about five times. What’s up?”
“The forthcoming exams.”
“Right. You study for the exams twenty out of twenty-four hours daily.”
“That’s a lie,” I said, taking the last good drag before snuffing out the cigarette in the ashtray.
“Not far from the truth.”
“After the exams, I’ll go back to my former self,” I muttered, reaching for another cigarette.
“It’s not going to be easy if you keep pushing yourself like this.”
I lit the cigarette, feeling Caleb’s eyes still heavy with concern. He knew. Of course, he knew. Hell, everybody probably knew at this point that I had depression. It wasn’t even a secret anymore.
“I’m fine, Caleb,” I said, throwing him a smile that I hoped looked reassuring.
He just nodded, but the worry didn’t fade. It hung between us as we stared at the sky, watching it darken as rain started falling. We watched until the rain-soaked scent filled the air, and the wind sent cool droplets splashing onto my face while I took another drag.
“That’s a little too much,” Caleb said, his gaze flicking to the cigarette in my fingers.
I inhaled deeply, letting the nicotine work its temporary magic, giving me a moment of calm. “This is the last pack,” I told him. The truth was, I rarely smoked. Only on nights like these when I needed to feel something. Depression was like a cancer, eating away at everything, bit by bit.
“So, I’m gonna ask you one last time. You’re not going to the party?”
“Nope. I’ve got to prepare for the competition, and I was planning to start right after this.”
He didn’t push, just nodded, though the worry remained. Caleb knew. They all probably did by now. I could feel it, even though I tried to brush it off. First, it’d be the mood swings, then the constant body aches. Now, it was like the ability to feel anything had slipped away entirely, like sand through my fingers.
“So, how’s the competition going?”
Terribly.
I hadn’t gotten a single line down without immediately losing interest. And art wasn’t like that—it needed passion and drive. Two things I’d lost somewhere along the way.
“To be honest, not so great.” I took another drag, but now the nicotine left a bitter taste. Just thinking about the competition and school twisted something in my stomach.
My school counselor had been clear: stress was the last thing I needed if I wanted to be un-depressed. What else was I supposed to do? The competition was around the corner, and my grades were tanking faster than Jackie Chan could do backflips.
“Just relax, don’t push too hard. That’s why I suggested we hit up the party and loosen up.” Caleb raised his eyebrows, then lowered them again, holding back from pushing too hard.
I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t feel that rush anymore, that the thrill of a party wasn’t there. But I didn’t know how to say it. Instead, I muttered, “No, I’m good.”
The door swung open, and Austin stuck his head out. “Your mom’s here, Landon.”
Perfect. Just what I needed—another stress activator here.
Mom stopping by every couple of weeks was a norm, even though she had to drive three hours to get here. She’d fill the fridge with food, desserts, snacks—all the stuff that had the guys celebrating her visits like a holiday. The downside? They’d rib me endlessly about being a mama’s boy despite being twenty and a sophomore in college.
“Gotta go see my mom,” I told Caleb, tossing the half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray and grabbing some mouth spray. She hated it when I smoked—core Christian and all that. But she’d shown up unannounced, so what could she expect? If I’d known she was coming, I’d have been hunched over my books, dressed better, and not smelling like cigarettes.
I walked into the lounge, but she wasn’t there. Her mark, though, was everywhere. Empty food containers lined the counter, and Theo and Roger were at the table, devouring cauliflower fried rice with kimchi. Even the dying flowers in the vase were gone, and a fresh, bright daffodil stood there.
“Where’s my mom?” I asked.
“She’s in your room.”
Right. The snooping began. Since I wasn’t sharing the “right” details with her, she’d taken up snooping to uncover whatever she wanted to know.
I found her in my room, sitting on the mini-couch by my bed, legs crossed, lips pinched. Clothes were scattered over my bed, and my sketches littered the floor. Yeah, it was a mess. But with everything on my mind, cleaning was dead last on my to-do list.